Maternal Instinct

I've never had much of a maternal instinct. Actually, I will even take a risk and go one step further to say that I don't think I ever had a maternal instinct at all. As a young girl, I never had a desire to be the Mommy when we played House. (I always wanted to be the baby, so everyone would coo over me and say how cute I was. Can we say "insecure"?) I never played with a Barbie. The only Barbie I ever owned was given to me by an acquaintance at my 11th birthday party. Clearly she didn't know me very well. I'm pretty sure I gave poor Barbie to my 5 year old neighbor (seriously, what 11 year old plays with Barbies?).

I never dreamed of my wedding day, and never fantasized that I would some day have a beautiful baby with my Mr. Right. That's not to say I thought I'd never marry. (Um, actually at a few points in our high school career Amanda and I thought we'd never meet our dream guys and thus never get married, so we vowed that if we were still single at age 35 we'd become lesbians and have a deep meaningful relationship with each other. Luckily, I met Steve and she met Greg.) So, I always knew, or assumed, that marriage and babies and kids would be in my future... I just wasn't looking longingly towards it - especially the kids part.

Even I did meet my Mr. Right and knew that babies were a distinct possibility for me in the future, my attitude towards current babies was unchanged. I never enjoyed holding other people's babies. As a matter of fact I avoided it at all costs. When we met a new baby I was content just smiling at it from a few feet away. Of course I thought they were cute and I was always ecstatic for the new parents... I just didn't want to be directly involved in it. The thought of holding the baby brought no excitement into my heart. Is that weird? And I feel like babies and kids could sense my lack of maternal instinct too. Stephanie told me that when she told her son Zack, who was then 4, that I was going to have a baby, Zack said, "But Catherine doesn't like babies." Seriously.

I was knocked off my feet when I found out I was pregnant with Ben. I was absolutely terrified - I had no idea what to do with a baby. When people asked me how my pregnancy was going and how I was feeling, I said it was going well and I was feeling great. I said that I was one of those people who enjoyed pregnancy. But, looking back, I think that what I was enjoying was the fact that I wasn't having to face down my fears right at that moment. I had nine months to get used to the idea. And it was the same with Logan's pregnancy. Again, I was terrified - even though I had already raised one baby for over a year. Both times, the reality of what was happening - becoming a mother to an actual baby - didn't hit me until I heard that first cry. It was the most surreal thing I had ever heard. One wasn't more surreal than the other - it was a tie. It wasn't any less surreal or crazy with Logan as it was with Ben. To sum up, the feeling is along the lines of, "Holy cow - a helpless, human being baby just came out of me, and now I am responsible for its well-being for the rest of its life, including the first few years when it can't do anything."

It's a really scary feeling. Especially for someone who doesn't have a maternal instinct.

Anyway, I'm telling you all this because tonight I realized that I do in fact have a maternal instinct. After I put Logan to bed for the night and came downstairs, he started to cry. I do believe in "Cry it out," and I usually give it 5-10 minutes before I investigate. Typically, he is able to soothe himself within about 2 minutes. Tonight, though, it actually passed the 5 minute mark. I watched him on the monitor - he had his paci, he wasn't stuck on his stomach... I thought I'd give it another minute - after all, he wasn't crying his "in pain" cry, so I could tell that nothing *really* serious was going on. He quieted down again, but let out another brief cry, so I went to investigate.

As I entered the room, I was overcome by the smell of poop. The poor little guy had made a huge poop! I have no idea how it happened so quickly, in the minute between closing his door and coming downstairs. I cleaned him up, sat with him in the glider for a few minutes, and put him back into his crib. He rolled over and went to sleep within just a few minutes.

I know this might seem silly to some people, but for me it was monumental. I was able to detect when my baby was uncomfortable, and I made it right. I was right! I fixed it!